Little Puzzle Pieces
This has been a roller coaster of emotions. Some days I see the joy and the possibilities and some days I find myself dealing with the pain as my mind peels away another layer of the life that was. I say my mind as if it is separate from my being because sometimes that is how it feels. I don't purposely dwell on things. For the most part I go about my normal routine. I am busy with work. I am pursuing my masters degree. I am teaching classes. I am enjoying my family, especially my granddaughter. Then suddenly something will trigger a thought or a memory. Depending on where I am I will either give myself the time and space to feel what I feel, or I will tuck it away and try to focus on the task at hand.
Whether I ponder it or tuck it away, my mind seems to keep working at it. It's like it has this puzzle piece that it needs to put away. It twists it, turns it, looks at it from all different angles and then "boom" figures out where it belongs and pops it into place.
For some reason, this always happens as I'm laying in bed. Sometimes I will close my eyes and suddenly find that I am crying. Not a lone little tear at the corner of my eye. No, it is always lots of tears, streaming down my face and soaking my pillow. The first time it happened I felt like I was losing my mind. How exactly does somebody start crying and not even realize it? Something must be wrong with me.
More often than not, I will be sleeping and I will suddenly wake up with the epiphany that arises as my brain puts the puzzle piece where it belongs. One night my eyes shot open as I realized that abortion was illegal when I was conceived. I had often wondered why my Mom had me when she clearly hated me so much. Now that I know that the romantic story of my conception was a lie and abortion was illegal, I think we have a better understanding of why she had me. And then I think of the one, possibly two babies that weren't fortunate to be conceived before abortion was legalized. What if I was never born?
When the results of my Aunt's dna test came in, I dove into the dna results again. I was pretty sure there was another secret in the family. There was a connection on my list that I suspected, but I couldn't explain why. Everyone assumed my grandfather had at least one other child out there in the world. In fact that was the reason my Mom said she would never do a dna test. She said "I'm sure my Dad had affairs and there are other children out there." Well now, isn't that the pot calling the kettle black? Anyway, I told my Aunt that I felt like there was a story about this connection, but I didn't know why I thought that. Sure enough, a few days later, in the middle of the night, my mind went "click," my eyes shot open and I thought "Grandma and Grandpa were only children. There were no aunts and uncles, therefore there should not be any cousins."
The last couple of weeks my middle of the night thoughts that have been waking me up, keep revolving around stories I need to include in my book. The book that I am not writing. The book that I do not have time to write. Last night I woke up and remembered I had started this blog. Okay fine. Perhaps writing this post will let my mind take a break from the puzzle for a few days.
Whether I ponder it or tuck it away, my mind seems to keep working at it. It's like it has this puzzle piece that it needs to put away. It twists it, turns it, looks at it from all different angles and then "boom" figures out where it belongs and pops it into place.
For some reason, this always happens as I'm laying in bed. Sometimes I will close my eyes and suddenly find that I am crying. Not a lone little tear at the corner of my eye. No, it is always lots of tears, streaming down my face and soaking my pillow. The first time it happened I felt like I was losing my mind. How exactly does somebody start crying and not even realize it? Something must be wrong with me.
More often than not, I will be sleeping and I will suddenly wake up with the epiphany that arises as my brain puts the puzzle piece where it belongs. One night my eyes shot open as I realized that abortion was illegal when I was conceived. I had often wondered why my Mom had me when she clearly hated me so much. Now that I know that the romantic story of my conception was a lie and abortion was illegal, I think we have a better understanding of why she had me. And then I think of the one, possibly two babies that weren't fortunate to be conceived before abortion was legalized. What if I was never born?
When the results of my Aunt's dna test came in, I dove into the dna results again. I was pretty sure there was another secret in the family. There was a connection on my list that I suspected, but I couldn't explain why. Everyone assumed my grandfather had at least one other child out there in the world. In fact that was the reason my Mom said she would never do a dna test. She said "I'm sure my Dad had affairs and there are other children out there." Well now, isn't that the pot calling the kettle black? Anyway, I told my Aunt that I felt like there was a story about this connection, but I didn't know why I thought that. Sure enough, a few days later, in the middle of the night, my mind went "click," my eyes shot open and I thought "Grandma and Grandpa were only children. There were no aunts and uncles, therefore there should not be any cousins."
The last couple of weeks my middle of the night thoughts that have been waking me up, keep revolving around stories I need to include in my book. The book that I am not writing. The book that I do not have time to write. Last night I woke up and remembered I had started this blog. Okay fine. Perhaps writing this post will let my mind take a break from the puzzle for a few days.
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