When you woke up this morning...
Over the summer I participated in a leadership institute and the topic was equity. During one of our first sessions the facilitator said "I want you to pretend that you woke up this morning and you were somebody completely different."
I didn't have to contemplate what that felt like. I had lived it. My heart started racing and I started fidgeting in my chair. I wanted to jump out of my chair and flee the room. I tried to pay attention to what was being said."
"...if you are a woman, you are now a man.."
"...if you are white, you are now black or brown..."
My mind was screaming "I didn't know who I was at all." I started willing myself to calm down. I used the technique my therapist had shared with me. I found three things in the room and I focused on them; the gorgeous view out the window, the trash can by the corner of the lectern, the doorknob on the door....." Keep breathing.
Next I tried to pick out three sounds. I strained to hear something beyond the conversation that was happening in the room. I couldn't do it. Keep breathing.
"I woke up straight..."
"I woke up as a white man..."
I started telling myself to pay attention. Listen to these comments. This isn't about you or your life.
What did they just say? Are we going to take a break? Yes! I can do this. Just a couple more minutes and I can escape this room, run water over my hands; wash away this anxiety.
As soon as they announced the break I started to get up from my chair, but I wasn't quick enough. The facilitator sitting next to me must have sensed my turmoil. Next thing I knew I was crying. "It wasn't about this." I said as tears streamed down my cheeks. "The conversation triggered something else..."
How exactly do you share something like this. It is so heavy. How do you tell someone...
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning and I was Dawn ____. My parents got pregnant on purpose in order to get married before my father went over seas for the Vietnam war. I am mostly English and Irish. My family immigrated from England on the second Mayflower. They came to America in order enjoy religious freedom.
My phone rang at 7:09 a.m. It was my step-mom. My Dad's Ancestry results were in and they couldn't figure out how to see what I had showed them.
"Are you looking at the email or the website?"
"Do you see where it says your name at the top right hand of the screen?"
"Okay, click on dna. Is there something called dna matches?"
At some point I put them on speaker phone, while I looked at the app on my phone. I navigated to dna matches and he wasn't there. Suddenly I bolted off the bed.
"Hang on. I am going to go look it up on my computer and I will call you back."
7:22 a.m.
"I just realized how late it is. I have to head to work. I will come by later and show you."
As I finished getting ready for work I was chastising Ancestry in my head. "Why would they send an email stating the results were in when the system wasn't done populating the data? Don't they realize it confuses people?
But right behind those thoughts was an acknowledgement in my brain. I felt like I was standing on top of scaffolding when the section under my right foot just collapsed. I grabbed onto the other side and tried to hold on as I looked down at the little bits and pieces of my life that were no longer mine. I kept trying to see if there was something down there that could prop me up. Were there any clues or pieces that still worked. Suddenly I remembered the Ancestry message that started the whole thing.
I have a sister.
I didn't have to contemplate what that felt like. I had lived it. My heart started racing and I started fidgeting in my chair. I wanted to jump out of my chair and flee the room. I tried to pay attention to what was being said."
"...if you are a woman, you are now a man.."
"...if you are white, you are now black or brown..."
My mind was screaming "I didn't know who I was at all." I started willing myself to calm down. I used the technique my therapist had shared with me. I found three things in the room and I focused on them; the gorgeous view out the window, the trash can by the corner of the lectern, the doorknob on the door....." Keep breathing.
Next I tried to pick out three sounds. I strained to hear something beyond the conversation that was happening in the room. I couldn't do it. Keep breathing.
"I woke up straight..."
"I woke up as a white man..."
I started telling myself to pay attention. Listen to these comments. This isn't about you or your life.
What did they just say? Are we going to take a break? Yes! I can do this. Just a couple more minutes and I can escape this room, run water over my hands; wash away this anxiety.
As soon as they announced the break I started to get up from my chair, but I wasn't quick enough. The facilitator sitting next to me must have sensed my turmoil. Next thing I knew I was crying. "It wasn't about this." I said as tears streamed down my cheeks. "The conversation triggered something else..."
How exactly do you share something like this. It is so heavy. How do you tell someone...
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning and I was Dawn ____. My parents got pregnant on purpose in order to get married before my father went over seas for the Vietnam war. I am mostly English and Irish. My family immigrated from England on the second Mayflower. They came to America in order enjoy religious freedom.
My phone rang at 7:09 a.m. It was my step-mom. My Dad's Ancestry results were in and they couldn't figure out how to see what I had showed them.
"Are you looking at the email or the website?"
"Do you see where it says your name at the top right hand of the screen?"
"Okay, click on dna. Is there something called dna matches?"
At some point I put them on speaker phone, while I looked at the app on my phone. I navigated to dna matches and he wasn't there. Suddenly I bolted off the bed.
"Hang on. I am going to go look it up on my computer and I will call you back."
7:22 a.m.
"I just realized how late it is. I have to head to work. I will come by later and show you."
As I finished getting ready for work I was chastising Ancestry in my head. "Why would they send an email stating the results were in when the system wasn't done populating the data? Don't they realize it confuses people?
But right behind those thoughts was an acknowledgement in my brain. I felt like I was standing on top of scaffolding when the section under my right foot just collapsed. I grabbed onto the other side and tried to hold on as I looked down at the little bits and pieces of my life that were no longer mine. I kept trying to see if there was something down there that could prop me up. Were there any clues or pieces that still worked. Suddenly I remembered the Ancestry message that started the whole thing.
I have a sister.
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