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When you woke up this morning...

Over the summer I participated in a leadership institute and the topic was equity. During one of our first sessions the facilitator said "I want you to pretend that you woke up this morning and you were somebody completely different." I didn't have to contemplate what that felt like. I had lived it. My heart started racing and I started fidgeting in my chair. I wanted to jump out of my chair and flee the room. I tried to pay attention to what was being said." "...if you are a woman, you are now a man.." "...if you are white, you are now black or brown..." My mind was screaming "I didn't know who I was at all." I started willing myself to calm down. I used the technique my therapist had shared with me. I found three things in the room and I focused on them; the gorgeous view out the window, the trash can by the corner of the lectern, the doorknob on the door....." Keep breathing. Next I tried to pick out three sounds. I
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Age of consent

One day when I was about nine or ten, I was dusting some shelves in my parents room. I had to pull out each book, dust it off and put it back on the shelf. I took a bible off the shelf. I didn't recall seeing this one before. I opened it up and there were pages in the front where you could record marriages and births. "Mom, what year were you and dad married," I asked "1966" "and I was born in 1967, right?" Suddenly my mom stopped what she was doing and I quickly shut the bible, dusted it off and put it back on the shelf. I grabbed another book and started dusting it off before she got mad at me for getting sidetracked. Instead of yelling at me, she started talking to me. She sounded nervous, but not mad. "I guess you just figured out that I was pregnant when your dad and I got married." What, I thought? It didn't even occur to me, but now I was quickly counting the months in my head. They got married in December, I was born in Apr
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Little Puzzle Pieces

This has been a roller coaster of emotions. Some days I see the joy and the possibilities and some days I find myself dealing with the pain as my mind peels away another layer of the life that was. I say my mind as if it is separate from my being because sometimes that is how it feels. I don't purposely dwell on things. For the most part I go about my normal routine. I am busy with work. I am pursuing my masters degree. I am teaching classes. I am enjoying my family, especially my granddaughter. Then suddenly something will trigger a thought or a memory. Depending on where I am I will either give myself the time and space to feel what I feel, or I will tuck it away and try to focus on the task at hand. Whether I ponder it or tuck it away, my mind seems to keep working at it. It's like it has this puzzle piece that it needs to put away. It twists it, turns it, looks at it from all different angles and then "boom" figures out where it belongs and pops it into place.
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The Gift of Truth

Growing up, there were always secrets in my Mom's family. It was a byproduct of a dysfunctional family filled with abuse. You couldn't say what you felt or be who you were because that might upset someone else. We had to pretend not to know things. We had to pretend not to be places. It's a good thing Facebook wasn't around back then because I am sure every family gathering would start with "Don't tag me on Facebook, I don't want ___________ to know I'm here." I hate secrets. I learned to play the game and I did my best to keep the secrets. Truth be told, I felt important when I was included. I thought I belonged. I thought I was trusted. Over time, I realized it just meant that I got to feel awful when I saw the hurt and the pain that the secrets caused. So many times they would say they were trying to save hurt feelings, but really, they were creating them. They didn't, or couldn't, deal with uncomfortable conversations. They somehow
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